Midlife Crisis

Something about being 35 hit me in a really weird way that I can't explain. A sort of depression washed over me and ever since Aug 9th, my birthday, I haven't been able to shake it. Its been eating at my soul. Something needs to change.

But before I get all depresso-expresso on you, let me tell you the one amazing thing that happened to me this year. I met Mark Rein•Hagen of W̶h̶i̶t̶e̶w̶o̶l̶f̶ ̶P̶u̶b̶l̶i̶s̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ Lostlorn Games. We talked... A lot, hours. And also LARPed, and had LaRosa's (Cincinnati Pizza Favorite) together. It was a fun time at the January Ice & Dice Gaming Convention. But he called me something... In passing that changed my world and defeated every ounce of my Imposter Syndrome. He called me a professional. He called me, a professional!

Of course, that doesn't really mean anything. He had no idea what I had done other than make a 475 page tabletop game called Machina and Magic. He never played it, nor would he ever play it because he doesn't care for "crunchy" game systems (but I still gave him a copy of my game). Of course, I did tell him I have been studying game design, academically for the past 11 years, and we were really talking a lot about worldbuilding. And slowly after about 4 hours, I viewed Mark more as a friend than as an industry "big shot". And watching Mark get drunk was... Funny to say the least. (Sorry Mark)

***

Back to the depression. Its hard to think I would succumb to such strong depression, seeing that the start of 2023 has been so amazing. I even moved into my own Apartment right above one of my best friends and follow writer Matt: the owner of my apartment; which granted, this apartment DOES SUCK (sorry Matt, get me a new Refrigerator please), I cannot beat the price for a 2 bedroom apartment. That's right, I get my own OFFICE; which is kinda a big deal and has boosted productivity by easily 50%. So much so that Machina and Magic Definitive Edition is being upgraded to Machina and Magic Second Edition. Wow.

AND NO! I didn't just move out onto my own in January, I had been living with my good friend Joel for over 12 years and... Well... We outgrew each other. I won't lie. I miss living with Joel, but it really is for the best that we don't live together anymore. I became a worse slob in some respects but a better slob in some respects. But also, we just collected too much stuff and we were running out of space.

But anyways... the whole ordeal with Machina and Magic? That's complicated. You see... Ever since Aug 9th, or well... The couple weeks leading up to Aug 9th, I stopped working on it. I just got too upset and overwhelmed by it. Even though we got a new artist for the book, I just am too overwhelmed by it. At one point I thought about the game every day until my brain started to hurt.

So. I decided to take a break. A real break. I will make Machina and Magic 2E, that is still on the agenda, but I cannot in good faith work on it when my heart is not well with it. And that's a hard thing to explain to people. Its a hard thing to explain to my communications guy.

***

Part of my depression has been coming from my part time work. And granted, the Bakery I work at is an amazing place. I believe fully, that the people who work at the Bakery are amazing and care deeply about the bread and their community. But I know... I don't. I am there for a paycheck and the physical activity, and because Matt is also there. And don't get me wrong, it feels GREAT, working for an ethical establishment that feeds the needy and actually does it well; but, I can't in good faith say that my heart and soul is dedicated to making bread. I am a game designer, its what I was born to do. And the longer I work at the Bakery, the more true that becomes that I shouldn't be there.

So... What in the actual fuck am I doing? At 35... Not making video games. Or at the very least, not living off my published works? I guess you could say I did everything the hard way. I was never good at starting small and building my empire from the ground up. I always dreamed big, and went for big. I started Magic Dog Games in 2021 (formerly CatboyGames in 2012), but I just don't have the pennies to my name, Covid and Inflation be damned.

Now you can see where my depression is coming from.

***

To get my mind off my own sadness I had begun creating low poly 3D models. It gave me an idea, and from there... We'll see where it goes. I want to possibly talk about this idea more in detail, but for now, I don't want to promise anyone anything. For now, I want to see my brother tomorrow and talk games. I want to see what he thinks about all of this.

***

In conclusion. Welcome to the first offical post of my new dev blog. Take it or leave it. I need to start archiving my work for real. This will be the official archive. I will likely do some video blogging again as well. And when I do, I will post the links. I need to create a way for my phone to sit on a stand so I can record video on it. Its good enough for what I need it for. But maybe I should invest in a real camera. Lets take that into consideration. Lets... Take a lot into consideration.