Magic Dog

Long story short. I am pretty neurodivergent. It prevents me from doing normal things I need to do. I don't take care of my health, I don't take care of my car. I need to take care of my room and my office. And I only make enough money in this rapidly increasing economy to barely survive. I need to motivate myself into doing more commissions and more art for money. I need to motivate myself into taking care of my car. But it is hard. Harder than it has any right to be. And I don't understand why. I don't know why any of this is so damn difficult. There is no reason for it to be difficult like this. It just is. Why am I so broken? Distractions are also a dime a dozen. Social media, and the News keeps me from enjoying life or doing what need to be done  i have a lot great projects that need my attention. But my phone demands more. Going to have to start limiting my phone time for real. I do make it worth my time by watching educational stuff a lot of times, as well as gam...

       I don't know. This is the folly of all game designers on this level I presume. Our problem is, we don't just want to "make a game". We could do that. We could probably do it "well". The biggest hurdle is that we want to make a perfect game. Not an absolutely perfect game, but we are gunning for that 10/10 awesome game. Not only that but it's a game we both want to play.     Now I am caught in a depression rut, because I don't know what we are doing. I am aimless right now. Hopefully this is just a tiny snag.

     I have a convention coming up in October but I don't want to go to it. I am disappointed in the lack of work I have done on Machina and Magic , and feel like being there is going to be a waste of time. I hate that this is how I feel about it. Because I do want to go, for the sake of my friends and for myself.      The part that worries me the most, is that I don't want to tell some of my friends I haven't been working on Machina and Magic and have been focusing on videogame stuff. I don't want them to feel like I gave up on them, I just need them to understand I have to switch to something that will make me money in the future. Machina and Magic ain't it.      Please don't view this as me being bitter about my own projects, but... I am pouring out my feelings onto my dev blog so people can see the raw emotion behind all of this.

     I don't live in a good neighborhood. I don't have a landlord that takes care of the place. I need out of this place. My oven doesn't work, my refrigerator bearly keeps temperature. It is emotionally draining, as often times I suffer from paranoia since the crime is extremely heavy in my neighborhood.      Just a couple weeks ago I witnessed police officers break up a fight between a man and woman three houses down. And a few weeks ago before that we had a hit and run as a (possibly drunk) driver hit another car and ran off. This isn't the first hit and run, as another car hit the electrical pole to our place and cut off the power a few months prior.      This type of living situation is not okay. I may have to consider drastic measures and move out. Unfortunately, rent is so costly, I cannot afford anywhere else at this moment. This is such a terrible situation to be in.      Its the big reason I work on the game alot now....

I am afraid of the disappointment I am going to cause when I abandon my efforts on Machina and Magic second edition to work on a video game. I am afraid of all the people I am going to upset. I am not quitting second edition, but it is being shelved for a while, and I hate that I am doing that. But video games pay more... And I want to be doing a job that I love that will pay.

Like I had said. A weird depression has filled me and it has made me disinterested in a lot of things. I just don't feel like doing much of anything... Including eating. Its getting bad, and I need to snap myself out of it. Cleaning my house has helped, but there is just still so much anxiety about the future that has held me back as of late. I need a reason to be motivated again. But its been hard. I talked to my boyfriend about things and he really helped me. But I have been feeling so bad.

My friends have also been depressed or stressed in one way or another but we help each other out the best we can. My friend Davie is the best. Spent the day talking story with my brother Steve. We might start working on the video game. We shall see. Picture above is skyline chili. Just love it.

Something about being 35 hit me in a really weird way that I can't explain. A sort of depression washed over me and ever since Aug 9th, my birthday, I haven't been able to shake it. Its been eating at my soul. Something needs to change. But before I get all depresso-expresso on you, let me tell you the one amazing thing that happened to me this year. I met Mark Rein•Hagen of W̶h̶i̶t̶e̶w̶o̶l̶f̶ ̶P̶u̶b̶l̶i̶s̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ Lostlorn Games. We talked... A lot, hours. And also LARPed, and had LaRosa's (Cincinnati Pizza Favorite) together. It was a fun time at the January Ice & Dice Gaming Convention.  But he called me something... In passing that changed my world and defeated every ounce of my Imposter Syndrome. He called me a professional. He called me, a professional! Of course, that doesn't really mean anything. He had no idea what I had done other than make a 475 page tabletop game called Machina and Magic. He never played it, nor would he ever play it because he doesn...